I feel like I’m always in a state of mind where I am aware of my consciousness, and this started a couple of years ago but now it’s every day, all the time. I wonder if, in a way, it’s how a psychologist views the world, that they can’t escape breaking down human behavior no matter what is going on. I feel like that, but I have no formal psychology training, nor have I really taken a lot of classes on philosophy or political science. But all these things I am very interested in and I find myself thinking about them all the time, thinking about my consciousness, this life, this body, bigger purposes, all of that kind of stuff. The moments where my mind seems to switch off or slow down are few and far between. Even at parties or other places with a lot going on, I still find it hard to disengage from myself.
I think this is why I love film and movies, it’s very cathartic for me when I’m watching movies that involve plots and stories about real human issues. I also love documentaries, science shows, tv about space and physics, history. Anything I don’t understand that deals with a large issue. It’s cathartic because it’s about things that I think about all the time. And now I’m reaching the point where just having all these thoughts and such, it creates a state that is somewhat painful for me. I want to talk with other people that are like me, that think the same way, because the absence of that right now can kind of scare me, like, will I ever find someone or multiple people that understand me? I feel alien a lot of the time. And I dont think about it in any sort of superiority complex, I don’t think I’m super smart or intellectual. I can’t help that this is where I am at right now, I feel my desire to learn about these things and push myself in to research and the like, it has evolved naturally. I just don’t really understand why there aren’t more people thinking about all these crazy things all the time. Maybe they are, but dont talk about it. I think most people get too wrapped up in work, families and other things. Those things aren’t bad, not at all, but it leaves little room for reflection on what is going on here.
Sometimes I want to scream, what the fuck is going on here?! Does anyone else think life is really fucking weird?!