Insubordination

I was for the vast majority of my childhood and teen years a good kid. Looking back at the beginning, I remember getting in trouble in grade school for talking a lot, or talking loudly. It seems that is probably the worst thing I ever really did, except just some minor things here and there. I never even got detention in high school. I was always known as the good girl in my town. Thought I do remember when I was in my single digits, I would not back down from any dare. I remember once I was dared to sit on this fiberglass casing of an electrical outlet down the street, for 5 minutes. Of course I did it. Unfortunately I couldn’t really walk for a couple of days after that because the fiber glass got in my legs and fucked my nerves up and I couldn’t really feel my legs. I was an adventurous kid, but not really a disobedient one.

A lot of that comes from fear of getting in trouble. I have always cared what people in authority positions thought of me, like teachers, parents, and bosses. I’ve never been fired. I got grounded very few times.

Even now in my life, I find myself still the same but changing a bit. But I think it wasn’t a desire to be reckless or to take risks that was the problem, it was that I had to have a good reason. I wanted the respect of the neighborhood boys, thats why I took that dare. I didn’t care if they liked me, but I wanted them to respect me and for me at that time I guess it was important. I have done some things in my adult life that others would consider a risk, like solo traveling in Italy and staying in a campsite there and planning it myself. Again in this situation, I had motivation. It wasn’t just to take a trip, but I just so desired to do something different and freeing. I remember part of it was because my Mom had died only 2 years earlier and I felt like I wanted to find myself, in somewhere I had never been. I can’t really describe it beyond that.

The reason I am writing about these things has to do with my previous entry a bit. I now consider things I am willing to do based on certain motivations. But how I got to this point, I feel it wasn’t forced, it happened very naturally, but now that I am becoming more conscious of certain things, it feels new. And that scares me a bit.

As I’ve written before, I grew up with two parents that really valued free thought. There was no religion, politics or anything like that in the household. It wasn’t like it was banned, I remember asking to go to church, and my parents took me, but it was a phase for me. When I didn’t want to go anymore, they didn’t ask questions. The only time religion has really entered into our house was when my Mom fell into a coma in the last days of her life, in our house, and we knew she wanted a Catholic priest to bless her. She went to Catholic school as a kid. I don’t really understand it, but I didn’t go to Catholic school or grow up with religion. I’m getting away from my original thoughts.

I feel that it’s not only the absence of certain topics, but also just that way of progressing in my life that has developed a lifestyle for me, at least a little bit. I also feel that my time in the VC major, and influence from certain professors has done the exact same thing. The creative process itself was focused on so heavily, how to reach certain ideas, ones you can’t think of right away. Also the process of making work, which I’ll go into another time. It wasn’t just the forms of certain things we were learning like typography, layout, etc, but also this mental process, a thing very abstract in nature. This has changed me, and how I think, for the rest of my life. I already know that, and I already know that I wont know fully what that even means for awhile.

This lifestyle for myself seems to be one very different from most of my friends. I thought for awhile that growing apart from friends from earlier in life was simply because it was natural to take certain paths and that they wont always stay side by side. And that is part of it. But I dont think I considered the bigger picture, and I do think lifestyle has more to do with it than I considered, which when dissected further, I think it just ends up being fundamentally how we think.

I have no desire to own a house, I dont think that will change for a long time. Technically I will inherit a house, but that isn’t why I dont want to own a house. I dont really see myself getting married and I’ve never been a girl that dreamed about her wedding, ever. I don’t really seek relationships, even though the desire is there. And I don’t make a lot of permanent plans. I let things develop. I do think about the future, which is why I am reflecting on all this in the first place.

I dont consider myself overly political, in my own personal nature. I dont tend to focus on policy and specifics, and I think its just not how I think. And thankfully there are people out there that do fight for those things in a very systematic way. But I think I wish to work outside the system, to express concepts and seek to make progress and positive change through other means. I dont know what those means are, and I dont even know what I would want to say. But how I have developed in life, it seems natural to me that I dont know everything yet. I know I have specific issues in mind that I am very passionate about, and some, like the death penalty, I am getting involved in. But for the most part, thats just not how I work.

I think trusting in yourself is a very important thing, but you have to properly know yourself before adding in the trust because otherwise it would become meaningless. I have always believed that it is not experiences that shape us, but reflection on those experiences. If you dont allow time for reflection, what can you seek to get from those experiences?

So I am trying to trust in myself, in how my life has developed, in how I think, all of which just seems to have occurred so naturally. I cant force anything, and thats just how I roll. I trust enough in myself to know I will figure it out, I will know the medium, I will know what I want to say. But I do know that it wont be some epiphany some day, that if I just walk around doing nothing for so long that it will just come to me. No. Just like with the creative process, I am supposed to come to that conclusion, that idea, that is impossible to realize at the start. I think to consciously seek out some sort of divine reality would be a waste of time.

Until I know, at least in some sense, what it is that I will fight for, I can’t know yet what I would be willing to give up to accomplish it. I will not do anything for the sake of doing it. I think sacrifice is an integral part of doing anything worthwhile, especially if you seek to share it with other people. It is impossible to take the time to get everyone to trust you, to believe in what you say you think and feel. I think this is where sacrifice comes in, why it is so important.

I feel I have more I want to say about this but I cant quite put it into words yet.

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About philosophicalwaste

Girl in her late 20s (is 27 late?). This blog is where writings go for the moment, still trying to figure out how to organize my thoughts. I much prefer to write by hand, it just seems right handwritten. But it takes much too long and I will write lazier to just sum things up and I dont want to feel restricted. I would love to get a type writer soon. Im also considering getting a digital audio recorder, but I fear I would always carry it around and get into the habit of just recording my thoughts as I walk around in public wondering what the hell Im doing.
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