The older I get, I think it’s natural to sort of evaluate your life and where it’s going and I seem to be doing that a bit more than I used to. I think before I did it in more of a stereotypical sense. Thought about college, a “career”, tried to have a plan. But it seems plans wont have any of me, and I am becoming more accustomed to that sort of living. I dont mind it, and I think it has some advantages. On the flip side of that though, as I evaluate where I stand and where I may be in the future, it is inevitable to make some plans. Some inkling of plans. Pencil only.
I don’t know why my life has turned out the way it has in some senses. I dont know why Ive never had a serious relationship. I dont know why I never seem to hold a boyfriend. Any man I’ve ever been involved in, besides one or two, were all fantastic people in one way or another. I look back and I find it interesting that the girl that weighs 200 pounds was always able to find upstanding, smart, beautiful men. Even if they didn’t work out for me, I remain friends with most all of them. Most admit to me they think about me often. But they pursue other relationships. I think there is something about me that puts guys off a bit. I dont think its my looks, and I think I’m interesting enough, if not more so. I can’t put my finger on it, and I’m afraid to ask. But not because I dont want to know the truth, at least not for what might seem like obvious reasons. Im not afraid for someone to tell me something they didn’t like about it. It’s not why I dont ask.
In the last few years I have felt myself change as a person, but still very much the same. But I consider things I dont think I ever considered before. I always wanted to do something with my life. I never knew what that something was, but I am a very empathetic person so I feel thats why. Its very hard for me to exist in this world and not feel.. a lot. Some people may think I care too much but this is who I am and I wont apologize for it.
It leads me to consider some things. I’m ok being alone, most of the time. Sometimes its very hard. And I dont know if I believe in fate. I dont hate the idea of it, but I dont like the way it makes me feel like things are ultimately meaningless. Regardless, it is hard to not look at things sometimes and wonder if they turned out a way for a reason. I dont know. But I look at my life and think I’m in a perfect position to do something beyond myself. I dont know what it will be, or the medium. In some ways its really exciting, and in some ways very lonely. But I feel like in some ways, I am already preparing for it. I avoid trying to get my picture taken, I scaled back my presence on the internet. I dont care about my reputation for myself, but should I ever try to do anything high profile, well, my actions right now in scaling back and being careful cant hurt. I know I will always be an artist, and I think it will have something to do with what I am thinking. But I dont know for sure yet. And things may change.
But the reason I dont ask what it was about me that made those guys not want to be in long term relationships with me, is that I’m scared to know because I’m scared I’ll try to change myself. I wonder if I subconsciously sabotage things in subtle ways, or I stay just too far detached to keep this future, this future where I could do something big, enough of a possibility to still exist as such. I’ve only started to consider this. It’s just a thought, but enough of one for me to never ask what it is I maybe did wrong. And I still get lonely, and I still consider having relationships, and I know I have crushes and at least try to get to know guys I like. And I know that if something developed I would not at this stage consciously avoid it or anything like that. I dont know, maybe sometimes I do. Sometimes I get so angry at the possibility that I’ll be alone, like why? Why can’t I have someone? All for me? And I want so badly sometimes to just have someone to just give myself to, to surrender to. But maybe it’s just not in the cards.
And the upside of that is, should I ever attempt anything high profile in the future and I crash and burn, I’ll just take down myself. And that is sometimes more important to me than doing anything in the first place; not bringing anyone else down with me.