I’m not really afraid of people. To me, there are people that will actually want to get to know you, maybe hear what you have to say, and there are those that don’t. And those that don’t, I don’t immediately discount those folks. However, I am not one to waste my time. When that line appears, it can be blurry and I have perhaps made mistakes but it happens.
But I’m not afraid of people. It leads me to make a fool out of myself sometimes but I don’t really mind that either. I am not afraid of going after the things I want. If I think someone is interesting, I will work to get to know them. Perhaps I can be a bit forward but I dont know how much time I have. But I do realize that progress takes time.
An interesting parallel I tend to draw with that is general, social progress. I have always held a personal philosophy that progress takes time, and it should take time. In general I feel that if progress happens too swiftly, how can we seek to learn from it? When water turns to ice and vice versa, if you dont see it happen and just see the two states of matter, you may never know that one turns into the other, and thus, you will not understand the process of the progress it made. It’s not only the change it made, but why, what did it look like, it feel like? I think this holds true with general social and economic progress. It is not only the change that I feel needs to take time, but an understanding of what came before it, how it got to this state that one is dissatisfied with. I think any nation or state that seeks to better itself, to progress forward, it takes time.
So I am learning that progress in relationships, friendship or otherwise, takes time. Perhaps a lot of that is trust. Trust wouldn’t hold such value if it was earned in an instant. So while I know myself to be fairly harmless, an individual seeking to make connections, have good conversation and learn from others, I need to wait for them to want to let me in. The progress has to be full circle, and that is something I am getting better at.
I think growing up as an only child for the most part, being an artist and generally enjoying being a bit of a loner sometimes.. I have spent a lot of time in my own head. And as I’ve written previously, this last year has been a bit of an awakening for me and I feel I’m ready to really start talking. Sometimes I just don’t understand what everyone is so scared of, but I do find myself sometimes, if I go too quickly, words become fallible. I can’t find how to say what I really mean. But I have found that when someone knows you well, it becomes a lot easier for them to understand you with less words. And having that, even if only with a few people, is something worth getting out of bed for every day, and is something I dont think I’ll stop looking for until the day I die. I think its one of the few things I really look to get out of life, but a big thing.
So, I try to be patient. I feel I’ve reached a good point for myself, but not a stopping point, just a resting point. I dont know what comes next, but I’m working on it.