I’ve written before about form versus the root, and I know I wrote about it so abstractly without even making hardly any examples of what I was talking about at all. I think I still remain too much in my own mind, even though these writings are mainly for me. One thing is that I need to realize that down the road, years from now perhaps, I might not understand the mindset I am in, now. So perhaps I should try to be a little more clear. But I am still new at writing this way so.. baby steps.
This might sound kind of funny but I’ve been putting time into lately what, in my mind, I refer to as my “backup squad” which put simply is just people in the past, that have come and gone, that seem to think the way I do. I can’t know for sure, because for the most part, they will probably be dead by now. While I search for people now that think like I do, I also try to find people in the past that seemed to share some of the same outlooks I hold now. I have kind of held myself off from doing this too in depth, and I still don’t let myself get too deep. Part of the reason for this blog, at least now, is for me to document what I think, how I think. I want to see if I genuinely feel the way others have in the past. I don’t want to get influenced too much by anything I may read. I want to see if I, seemingly in a natural way, came to some of the conclusions that those in the past might have. Obviously I can’t hold out this way forever, not if I want to learn anything and I do know I need to accept that I am a product of influences, even now. In my mind I’m coming up with a whole argument of what exactly the word naturally means in this respect, but for another time.
So yes, my backup squad. These are people that seemed to feel the same way that I do now, and I try right now to stick to quotes and their writings, generally things authored solely by them. Just diving in has been a hard way of finding these kinds of people but I am starting generally. My interest in physics and science has been a good starting point. I find that I have a lot in common, sentiment wise, as Albert Einstein. I don’t even really like to state that because I think it makes me sound like an ass, but getting into what he has to say about morality, humanity and religion, I do feel like we have some things in common. I am trying to think outside of the artist pool. I have been enjoying reading about the regular lives of people I have heard so much about. I have also been reading a lot of Picasso, and a few months ago I was really into reading about Van Gogh. I think at the moment I am most enjoying just reading about their lives, their development, what decisions they made and how they reflected upon them. I think it’s a good starting point.
But yes, I have gotten a little bit away from the main reason for writing this. I was reading about scientists, and the idea of the obvious. How the most obvious and simplest of explanations tend to get ignored. An example that was made was Darwin and evolution. I’m not sure if thats the best example to highlight in what I’m about to talk about, which in regards to myself. However, this thought really struck a chord with me and I find that ironic because in and off itself, the sentiment is obvious and simple. I think this is one of the reasons that I am content living the kind of life that I do, which is somewhat removed from what could be regarded as a “normal” life, and I dont want to get into the semantics of what a normal life is right now, so bear with me. I don’t know if enjoy is the right word, because sometimes its lonely and uncomfortable, so I use the word content because in general when all things considered, I am content with my life and the direction it may head, but who knows, maybe I am naive. I avoid a lot of things that most people go for and seek to attain. A steady reliable job; a committed relationship; knowing what the future is/planning life out; getting married/possibly having kids. Those are just a few examples but perhaps summed up in the word security, which leads me to the word comfortable, which makes me wonder if I seek out an uncomfortable life. I wouldn’t describe it as uncomfortable, but I have always thought one of the best places an artist could be is uncomfortable or in an unfamiliar place. It makes you look at everything, consider everything. And today, reading about the obvious, it made me realize that perhaps I am in a position to notice the obvious.
David Foster Wallace talked once about how one fish swims next to two fish and says “nice water!” and the fish ask “whats water?”. He then went on to talk about this sort of haze a lot of us live in, that I even find myself in sometimes. It’s really just a way of thinking. How you have a long day, and then you have to go grocery shopping, but then all the lights are red, and then everyone else is shopping, and you’re in line forever, and you just make yourself miserable. But perhaps just a change in how we think can improve our lives. We all like to think we have complete control over what we do and how we feel. I think it’s a way of thinking that can help make the previous statement a somewhat true one. I think it’s hard for a lot of people, because what’s obvious to me most of the time perhaps isn’t obvious to them. I see a lot with my Dad. The little things.. Sometimes the big things. They get to him. And I am not saying I am immune, but being more conscious of just existing all the time, being aware of being conscious, it makes all of this more obvious to me. The simple things, like just changing your state of mind which you can do in an instant (but not always, circumstances permitted), are not as obvious to everyone else, which is evident in so many ways.
So I decide that, not really being aware of the obvious (or being in a position to be so) is more important to me in the long run, but what I may learn and in the future DO with this wisdom is. I can’t ever say that anything I ever do or so can help other people, but I am willing to try. And if keeping myself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations it the way to do, so be it. But again I am not trying to accomplish anything, per se. I do feel that I developed to this point naturally, but I am only beginning to understand it. This idea of the obvious reality, train of thought, it makes sense to me, in some small way, and I know there is so much more to be learned there. It will take time, and plenty of reflection to get there. But this is part of what is becoming the form, the form that I am becoming, as I search for the roots, for understanding of it all.