I’ve written before about form versus the root, and I know I wrote about it so abstractly without even making hardly any examples of what I was talking about at all. I think I still remain too much in my own mind, even though these writings are mainly for me. One thing is that I need to realize that down the road, years from now perhaps, I might not understand the mindset I am in, now. So perhaps I should try to be a little more clear. But I am still new at writing this way so.. baby steps.

This might sound kind of funny but I’ve been putting time into lately what, in my mind, I refer to as my “backup squad” which put simply is just people in the past, that have come and gone, that seem to think the way I do. I can’t know for sure, because for the most part, they will probably be dead by now. While I search for people now that think like I do, I also try to find people in the past that seemed to share some of the same outlooks I hold now. I have kind of held myself off from doing this too in depth, and I still don’t let myself get too deep. Part of the reason for this blog, at least now, is for me to document what I think, how I think. I want to see if I genuinely feel the way others have in the past. I don’t want to get influenced too much by anything I may read. I want to see if I, seemingly in a natural way, came to some of the conclusions that those in the past might have. Obviously I can’t hold out this way forever, not if I want to learn anything and I do know I need to accept that I am a product of influences, even now. In my mind I’m coming up with a whole argument of what exactly the word naturally means in this respect, but for another time.

So yes, my backup squad. These are people that seemed to feel the same way that I do now, and I try right now to stick to quotes and their writings, generally things authored solely by them. Just diving in has been a hard way of finding these kinds of people but I am starting generally. My interest in physics and science has been a good starting point. I find that I have a lot in common, sentiment wise, as Albert Einstein. I don’t even really like to state that because I think it makes me sound like an ass, but getting into what he has to say about morality, humanity and religion, I do feel like we have some things in common. I am trying to think outside of the artist pool. I have been enjoying reading about the regular lives of people I have heard so much about. I have also been reading a lot of Picasso, and a few months ago I was really into reading about Van Gogh. I think at the moment I am most enjoying just reading about their lives, their development, what decisions they made and how they reflected upon them. I think it’s a good starting point.

But yes, I have gotten a little bit away from the main reason for writing this. I was reading about scientists, and the idea of the obvious. How the most obvious and simplest of explanations tend to get ignored. An example that was made was Darwin and evolution. I’m not sure if thats the best example to highlight in what I’m about to talk about, which in regards to myself. However, this thought really struck a chord with me and I find that ironic because in and off itself, the sentiment is obvious and simple. I think this is one of the reasons that I am content living the kind of life that I do, which is somewhat removed from what could be regarded as a “normal” life, and I dont want to get into the semantics of what a normal life is right now, so bear with me. I don’t know if enjoy is the right word, because sometimes its lonely and uncomfortable, so I use the word content because in general when all things considered, I am content with my life and the direction it may head, but who knows, maybe I am naive. I avoid a lot of things that most people go for and seek to attain. A steady reliable job; a committed relationship; knowing what the future is/planning life out; getting married/possibly having kids. Those are just a few examples but perhaps summed up in the word security, which leads me to the word comfortable, which makes me wonder if I seek out an uncomfortable life. I wouldn’t describe it as uncomfortable, but I have always thought one of the best places an artist could be is uncomfortable or in an unfamiliar place. It makes you look at everything, consider everything. And today, reading about the obvious, it made me realize that perhaps I am in a position to notice the obvious.

David Foster Wallace talked once about how one fish swims next to two fish and says “nice water!” and the fish ask “whats water?”. He then went on to talk about this sort of haze a lot of us live in, that I even find myself in sometimes. It’s really just a way of thinking. How you have a long day, and then you have to go grocery shopping, but then all the lights are red, and then everyone else is shopping, and you’re in line forever, and you just make yourself miserable. But perhaps just a change in how we think can improve our lives. We all like to think we have complete control over what we do and how we feel. I think it’s a way of thinking that can help make the previous statement a somewhat true one. I think it’s hard for a lot of people, because what’s obvious to me most of the time perhaps isn’t obvious to them. I see a lot with my Dad. The little things.. Sometimes the big things. They get to him. And I am not saying I am immune, but being more conscious of just existing all the time, being aware of being conscious, it makes all of this more obvious to me. The simple things, like just changing your state of mind which you can do in an instant (but not always, circumstances permitted), are not as obvious to everyone else, which is evident in so many ways.

So I decide that, not really being aware of the obvious (or being in a position to be so) is more important to me in the long run, but what I may learn and in the future DO with this wisdom is. I can’t ever say that anything I ever do or so can help other people, but I am willing to try. And if keeping myself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations it the way to do, so be it. But again I am not trying to accomplish anything, per se. I do feel that I developed to this point naturally, but I am only beginning to understand it. This idea of the obvious reality, train of thought, it makes sense to me, in some small way, and I know there is so much more to be learned there. It will take time, and plenty of reflection to get there. But this is part of what is becoming the form, the form that I am becoming, as I search for the roots, for understanding of it all.

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slow and steady

Well, I haven’t really erased any entries which is good. But next chance I get, I do want to burn this blank journal I’ve had for years that I attempt to write in every once in awhile. It’s a burden.

I turn 28 this year. I hope to also finish my undergrad this year. My business is doing ok. I feel like I’m making some weird update post.

Sometimes I think I take everything too seriously, and sometimes I think I take it all way too lightly. How can I do that? At the same time?

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I feel like I’m always in a state of mind where I am aware of my consciousness, and this started a couple of years ago but now it’s every day, all the time. I wonder if, in a way, it’s how a psychologist views the world, that they can’t escape breaking down human behavior no matter what is going on. I feel like that, but I have no formal psychology training, nor have I really taken a lot of classes on philosophy or political science. But all these things I am very interested in and I find myself thinking about them all the time, thinking about my consciousness, this life, this body, bigger purposes, all of that kind of stuff. The moments where my mind seems to switch off or slow down are few and far between. Even at parties or other places with a lot going on, I still find it hard to disengage from myself.

I think this is why I love film and movies, it’s very cathartic for me when I’m watching movies that involve plots and stories about real human issues. I also love documentaries, science shows, tv about space and physics, history. Anything I don’t understand that deals with a large issue. It’s cathartic because it’s about things that I think about all the time. And now I’m reaching the point where just having all these thoughts and such, it creates a state that is somewhat painful for me. I want to talk with other people that are like me, that think the same way, because the absence of that right now can kind of scare me, like, will I ever find someone or multiple people that understand me? I feel alien a lot of the time. And I dont think about it in any sort of superiority complex, I don’t think I’m super smart or intellectual. I can’t help that this is where I am at right now, I feel my desire to learn about these things and push myself in to research and the like, it has evolved naturally. I just don’t really understand why there aren’t more people thinking about all these crazy things all the time. Maybe they are, but dont talk about it. I think most people get too wrapped up in work, families and other things. Those things aren’t bad, not at all, but it leaves little room for reflection on what is going on here.

Sometimes I want to scream, what the fuck is going on here?! Does anyone else think life is really fucking weird?!

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Mind Over Matter

The title of this post is in regards to how I feel about concepts versus forms, but not necessarily always concepts, but I suppose I could just say “abstract” over form. The mind, one of which we all have, exists purely in abstract form in a way, but the brain exists as matter; a collection of blood and tissue and atoms. This post is also inspired by my recent thoughts regarding the form that things seem to take, and how I always find myself so much more engaged thinking about the abstract, the root, the idea or concept, over the form it takes. The irony in this is that the form, even if arbitrary, is necessary in consideration if one hopes to understand the root at all.

I have talked before about how I find myself struggling with words, how to put all these abstract ideas out in some form, in a struggle to be understood. It is not easy, not by a long shot. I don’t think I necessarily thought it would be easy, but I just don’t think I understood exactly the nature of communicating things that are philosophical in nature. I feel it’s like when a teacher learns and considers their methods in teaching children. They have the mind of an adult, but how do they stay as the teacher, but also adopt the mindset of the children they teach? Not that I am a teacher in this sense and that I see people Im communicating with as children, not at all, but the analogy works in the sense of having to consider much more than your own self and mind.

I am starting to understand now that I shouldn’t always focus on the root or the concept, but also need to learn about the form certain things take. But like with the teacher, it seems both the abstract and the form have to be considered simultaneously. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say with this post.

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I was for the vast majority of my childhood and teen years a good kid. Looking back at the beginning, I remember getting in trouble in grade school for talking a lot, or talking loudly. It seems that is probably the worst thing I ever really did, except just some minor things here and there. I never even got detention in high school. I was always known as the good girl in my town. Thought I do remember when I was in my single digits, I would not back down from any dare. I remember once I was dared to sit on this fiberglass casing of an electrical outlet down the street, for 5 minutes. Of course I did it. Unfortunately I couldn’t really walk for a couple of days after that because the fiber glass got in my legs and fucked my nerves up and I couldn’t really feel my legs. I was an adventurous kid, but not really a disobedient one.

A lot of that comes from fear of getting in trouble. I have always cared what people in authority positions thought of me, like teachers, parents, and bosses. I’ve never been fired. I got grounded very few times.

Even now in my life, I find myself still the same but changing a bit. But I think it wasn’t a desire to be reckless or to take risks that was the problem, it was that I had to have a good reason. I wanted the respect of the neighborhood boys, thats why I took that dare. I didn’t care if they liked me, but I wanted them to respect me and for me at that time I guess it was important. I have done some things in my adult life that others would consider a risk, like solo traveling in Italy and staying in a campsite there and planning it myself. Again in this situation, I had motivation. It wasn’t just to take a trip, but I just so desired to do something different and freeing. I remember part of it was because my Mom had died only 2 years earlier and I felt like I wanted to find myself, in somewhere I had never been. I can’t really describe it beyond that.

The reason I am writing about these things has to do with my previous entry a bit. I now consider things I am willing to do based on certain motivations. But how I got to this point, I feel it wasn’t forced, it happened very naturally, but now that I am becoming more conscious of certain things, it feels new. And that scares me a bit.

As I’ve written before, I grew up with two parents that really valued free thought. There was no religion, politics or anything like that in the household. It wasn’t like it was banned, I remember asking to go to church, and my parents took me, but it was a phase for me. When I didn’t want to go anymore, they didn’t ask questions. The only time religion has really entered into our house was when my Mom fell into a coma in the last days of her life, in our house, and we knew she wanted a Catholic priest to bless her. She went to Catholic school as a kid. I don’t really understand it, but I didn’t go to Catholic school or grow up with religion. I’m getting away from my original thoughts.

I feel that it’s not only the absence of certain topics, but also just that way of progressing in my life that has developed a lifestyle for me, at least a little bit. I also feel that my time in the VC major, and influence from certain professors has done the exact same thing. The creative process itself was focused on so heavily, how to reach certain ideas, ones you can’t think of right away. Also the process of making work, which I’ll go into another time. It wasn’t just the forms of certain things we were learning like typography, layout, etc, but also this mental process, a thing very abstract in nature. This has changed me, and how I think, for the rest of my life. I already know that, and I already know that I wont know fully what that even means for awhile.

This lifestyle for myself seems to be one very different from most of my friends. I thought for awhile that growing apart from friends from earlier in life was simply because it was natural to take certain paths and that they wont always stay side by side. And that is part of it. But I dont think I considered the bigger picture, and I do think lifestyle has more to do with it than I considered, which when dissected further, I think it just ends up being fundamentally how we think.

I have no desire to own a house, I dont think that will change for a long time. Technically I will inherit a house, but that isn’t why I dont want to own a house. I dont really see myself getting married and I’ve never been a girl that dreamed about her wedding, ever. I don’t really seek relationships, even though the desire is there. And I don’t make a lot of permanent plans. I let things develop. I do think about the future, which is why I am reflecting on all this in the first place.

I dont consider myself overly political, in my own personal nature. I dont tend to focus on policy and specifics, and I think its just not how I think. And thankfully there are people out there that do fight for those things in a very systematic way. But I think I wish to work outside the system, to express concepts and seek to make progress and positive change through other means. I dont know what those means are, and I dont even know what I would want to say. But how I have developed in life, it seems natural to me that I dont know everything yet. I know I have specific issues in mind that I am very passionate about, and some, like the death penalty, I am getting involved in. But for the most part, thats just not how I work.

I think trusting in yourself is a very important thing, but you have to properly know yourself before adding in the trust because otherwise it would become meaningless. I have always believed that it is not experiences that shape us, but reflection on those experiences. If you dont allow time for reflection, what can you seek to get from those experiences?

So I am trying to trust in myself, in how my life has developed, in how I think, all of which just seems to have occurred so naturally. I cant force anything, and thats just how I roll. I trust enough in myself to know I will figure it out, I will know the medium, I will know what I want to say. But I do know that it wont be some epiphany some day, that if I just walk around doing nothing for so long that it will just come to me. No. Just like with the creative process, I am supposed to come to that conclusion, that idea, that is impossible to realize at the start. I think to consciously seek out some sort of divine reality would be a waste of time.

Until I know, at least in some sense, what it is that I will fight for, I can’t know yet what I would be willing to give up to accomplish it. I will not do anything for the sake of doing it. I think sacrifice is an integral part of doing anything worthwhile, especially if you seek to share it with other people. It is impossible to take the time to get everyone to trust you, to believe in what you say you think and feel. I think this is where sacrifice comes in, why it is so important.

I feel I have more I want to say about this but I cant quite put it into words yet.

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A Path

The older I get, I think it’s natural to sort of evaluate your life and where it’s going and I seem to be doing that a bit more than I used to. I think before I did it in more of a stereotypical sense. Thought about college, a “career”, tried to have a plan. But it seems plans wont have any of me, and I am becoming more accustomed to that sort of living. I dont mind it, and I think it has some advantages. On the flip side of that though, as I evaluate where I stand and where I may be in the future, it is inevitable to make some plans. Some inkling of plans. Pencil only.

I don’t know why my life has turned out the way it has in some senses. I dont know why Ive never had a serious relationship. I dont know why I never seem to hold a boyfriend. Any man I’ve ever been involved in, besides one or two, were all fantastic people in one way or another. I look back and I find it interesting that the girl that weighs 200 pounds was always able to find upstanding, smart, beautiful men. Even if they didn’t work out for me, I remain friends with most all of them. Most admit to me they think about me often. But they pursue other relationships. I think there is something about me that puts guys off a bit. I dont think its my looks, and I think I’m interesting enough, if not more so. I can’t put my finger on it, and I’m afraid to ask. But not because I dont want to know the truth, at least not for what might seem like obvious reasons. Im not afraid for someone to tell me something they didn’t like about it. It’s not why I dont ask.

In the last few years I have felt myself change as a person, but still very much the same. But I consider things I dont think I ever considered before. I always wanted to do something with my life. I never knew what that something was, but I am a very empathetic person so I feel thats why. Its very hard for me to exist in this world and not feel.. a lot. Some people may think I care too much but this is who I am and I wont apologize for it.

It leads me to consider some things. I’m ok being alone, most of the time. Sometimes its very hard. And I dont know if I believe in fate. I dont hate the idea of it, but I dont like the way it makes me feel like things are ultimately meaningless. Regardless, it is hard to not look at things sometimes and wonder if they turned out a way for a reason. I dont know. But I look at my life and think I’m in a perfect position to do something beyond myself. I dont know what it will be, or the medium. In some ways its really exciting, and in some ways very lonely. But I feel like in some ways, I am already preparing for it. I avoid trying to get my picture taken, I scaled back my presence on the internet. I dont care about my reputation for myself, but should I ever try to do anything high profile, well, my actions right now in scaling back and being careful cant hurt. I know I will always be an artist, and I think it will have something to do with what I am thinking. But I dont know for sure yet. And things may change.

But the reason I dont ask what it was about me that made those guys not want to be in long term relationships with me, is that I’m scared to know because I’m scared I’ll try to change myself. I wonder if I subconsciously sabotage things in subtle ways, or I stay just too far detached to keep this future, this future where I could do something big, enough of a possibility to still exist as such. I’ve only started to consider this. It’s just a thought, but enough of one for me to never ask what it is I maybe did wrong. And I still get lonely, and I still consider having relationships, and I know I have crushes and at least try to get to know guys I like. And I know that if something developed I would not at this stage consciously avoid it or anything like that. I dont know, maybe sometimes I do. Sometimes I get so angry at the possibility that I’ll be alone, like why? Why can’t I have someone? All for me? And I want so badly sometimes to just have someone to just give myself to, to surrender to. But maybe it’s just not in the cards.

And the upside of that is, should I ever attempt anything high profile in the future and I crash and burn, I’ll just take down myself. And that is sometimes more important to me than doing anything in the first place; not bringing anyone else down with me.

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A Desire

I’m not really afraid of people. To me, there are people that will actually want to get to know you, maybe hear what you have to say, and there are those that don’t. And those that don’t, I don’t immediately discount those folks. However, I am not one to waste my time. When that line appears, it can be blurry and I have perhaps made mistakes but it happens.

But I’m not afraid of people. It leads me to make a fool out of myself sometimes but I don’t really mind that either. I am not afraid of going after the things I want. If I think someone is interesting, I will work to get to know them. Perhaps I can be a bit forward but I dont know how much time I have. But I do realize that progress takes time.

An interesting parallel I tend to draw with that is general, social progress. I have always held a personal philosophy that progress takes time, and it should take time. In general I feel that if progress happens too swiftly, how can we seek to learn from it? When water turns to ice and vice versa, if you dont see it happen and just see the two states of matter, you may never know that one turns into the other, and thus, you will not understand the process of the progress it made. It’s not only the change it made, but why, what did it look like, it feel like? I think this holds true with general social and economic progress. It is not only the change that I feel needs to take time, but an understanding of what came before it, how it got to this state that one is dissatisfied with. I think any nation or state that seeks to better itself, to progress forward, it takes time.

So I am learning that progress in relationships, friendship or otherwise, takes time. Perhaps a lot of that is trust. Trust wouldn’t hold such value if it was earned in an instant. So while I know myself to be fairly harmless, an individual seeking to make connections, have good conversation and learn from others, I need to wait for them to want to let me in. The progress has to be full circle, and that is something I am getting better at.

I think growing up as an only child for the most part, being an artist and generally enjoying being a bit of a loner sometimes.. I have spent a lot of time in my own head. And as I’ve written previously, this last year has been a bit of an awakening for me and I feel I’m ready to really start talking. Sometimes I just don’t understand what everyone is so scared of, but I do find myself sometimes, if I go too quickly, words become fallible. I can’t find how to say what I really mean. But I have found that when someone knows you well, it becomes a lot easier for them to understand you with less words. And having that, even if only with a few people, is something worth getting out of bed for every day, and is something I dont think I’ll stop looking for until the day I die. I think its one of the few things I really look to get out of life, but a big thing.

So, I try to be patient. I feel I’ve reached a good point for myself, but not a stopping point, just a resting point. I dont know what comes next, but I’m working on it.


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